Preacher says world will actually end in October

 OAKLAND, Calif. – Harold Camping, a California preacher who predicted that 200 million Christians would be taken to heaven Saturday (May 21^st) before catastrophe struck the planet, apologized Monday evening for not having the dates "worked out as accurately as he could have.

With the end of the world upon us I found myself quite busy the week of the 20th packing, sorting through old mail and painstakingly choosing my cat's favorite toys. I figured there would be room for at least two toys apiece, along with their fluffy beds, litter boxes and food bowls. As I fondly looked over at my husband Jimi, who was hysterically laughing at a Seinfeld Episodes, I knew he wasn’t so lucky, oh well, no time to wallow. But as 6:00, May 21st came and went, I like the other 200 million chosen ones were totally disappointed that the rapture had not happened. I mean, “for Christ Sakes, how could Harold Camping be wrong? I mean he's a man, and weren’t there 5,000 billboards plastered with the Judgment Day message?”

 Fortunately for my cats Kuma and Hurricane and me, Harold, the 89-year-old retired civil engineer later explained that it was a mathematical error and that he was off by five months. Phew, thank God for that!  What Harold later realized was that May 21st instead of being the biblical Rapture in which the faithful would be swept up to the heavens, instead it was a "spiritual" Judgment Day, which places the entire world under Christ's judgment. Therefore, the globe will be completely destroyed in five months. He also explained that after having warned the world for several months leading up to the 21st he now felt there was no need to continue to remind people so his network will just play Christian music and programs until the final end on Oct. 21.

October 21st, What? October 21st is Jimi and our 5th year wedding anniversary. Wow, that changes everything. With the world ending on such a special day I feel the need to move our wedding anniversary to an earlier date. Therefore, we will now be celebrating our wedding anniversary on September 21st giving us a full month to enjoy our fifth year anniversary. Ok so here is where you guys come in. After careful consideration I have decided that it would be best if you would start sending us our gifts now ensuring that they reach us in a timely matter also allowing us to thoroughly enjoy them.

According to the Wedding Anniversary Site, here is a list of appropriate gifts to give us.

1. Silver Engraved Platter

2. Silver Ring

3. Bracelet

4. Pendent

5. Turquoise Pendent

6. Modern: Silverware

But lets face it guys, in all honesty it’s feeling a little cheap. I mean why not spend a little more and get us something we really want. Hell it’s not like your going to need the money where you’re going. Besides I am pretty sure the "Man Up-Stairs" is watching to see what you have given to one of his “Chosen Ones.”

After doing some careful research I have discovered that between the 60th and 75th wedding anniversary one can expect either Diamonds, Blue Safire, Platinum or Gold. I am fine with everything except the Gold, not much of a Gold person. Jimi has requested that we add an amendment to the list to include guitars. Because Jimi is so particular about his guitars it would probably be easier to simply send him money, ensuring that he is happy with your gift, remember “He’s” watching.

Now I know with the world almost over this might be an overwhelming time for some of you but please lets keep in mind some of the great quotes by our fellow men and women over the years:

"No one has ever become poor by giving."

Anne Frank:

"I don't think you ever stop giving. I really don't. I think it's an on-going process. And it's not just about being able to write a check. It's being able to touch somebody's life."

Oprah Winfrey:

"Give cheerfully and freely. It is the energy behind the giving that matters so do not give grudgingly. The law of cause and effect guarantees that you shall receive plenty for what you give.

David Cameron Gikandi:

And my personal favorite:

"Think of giving not as a duty but as a privilege."

Jim Rohn:

Okay bottom line, I happen to think Harold Camping is a moron, but if there is anything to take away from his ranting and ravings about the end of the world it is to simply make your life count! Therefore, love what you do, whom you do it with and most importantly love the person you see in the mirror 365 days a year!

Till next week, remember YOU ARE FABULOUS!

XOXOXO

Nef

 

“Whatever I do, it's my business. It's not my job to parent America.” Christina Aguilera

Although on some level I do feel we have a responsibility to “humankind” I do agree with Christina in that it is not our job to concern ourselves with the moral righteousness of the masses, which often limits our potential.

With the Gibson Kids yearly concert upon us, Jimi and I decided it was time to show the kids how to ROCK instead of just singing rock. Therefore, when I was going through my mental rolodex of badass female moments, I couldn’t help but zero in on Christina Aguilera’s live performance of “It’s a Man’s World.”

Now I first heard the original version of this song sometime during the early 90s while living in Queens with my boyfriend. At the time I remember being thoroughly annoyed because my boyfriend, whose male ego was already over-inflated used to sing along with James Brown, badly I might add, about all the things man had created. Of course he would then point out that James was merely saying all of these accomplishments would mean nothing with out a woman or a girl. Yeah, yeah, I never took much comfort in that, especially since Mr. Brown’s career has been plagued with numerous allegations of abuse towards women.

Anyway, I eventually ditched the boyfriend picked up the guitar and proceeded to learn how to rock on my own. In my early years of performing I was always fascinated when watching men perform because they were allowed to abandon all niceties on stage and “Give It” in a way I sometimes feel we as women were not allowed to do for so long.

I probably didn’t really see a women rock until Tina Turner in 1993. I first became aware of her existence in her break out movie “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” It was the first time I saw a woman wearing super high heels, a short mini skirt and blood red lipstick working the stage like she was a man, while still oozing femininity.

Yes, yes I thought, "that is what I want to be, take that James Brown!

As I stumbled through my own musical career I would see glimpses of that magnificent combination in a few celebrities here and there, fellow singer friends and even in myself at times. But it wasn’t until 2007 at the Annual Grammy’s award celebration did that feeling I had in 1993 come crashing in like a hurricane!

It was February 11th when I unenthusiastically turned on the TV to see Christina Aguilera take center stage performing “It’s a Man’s World.”

“Agh is she kidding me, why is she singing that song?”

As I initially half listened to her rendition of the late James Brown song, I suddenly became glued to her every word.

“Jimi, get in here Christina’s tearing it up!”

The two of us sat there, smiling, listening and I realized what was once an annoying song and I mean annoying, was now sending chills down my spine. Was it Christina’s singing? Perhaps but even more than her singing for me was her deliverance of the song that sent me in a tailspin. I was watching this young, beautiful, contemporary singer combine feminity and aggressive male rock in a way I hadn’t seen since 1993. And when she hit the ground, growling like a ferocious female lioness protecting her cubs I knew I was watching perfection in the making.

“Damn it, I want to wear four inch heels, a white fitted suit, and red, red lipstick!

See that’s it, “WE” can wear our lip-gloss, non-animal tested mascara, super high heels while jumping out of airplanes, running for presidency, being a principal of a cutting edge school, running a casting company, owing our own restaurants etc. etc. And just so you know James Brown, Tabitha Babbitt created a circular saw in 1812; May Walton created the Locomotive Chimney in 1879 that went on the train that carried the heavy load that YOU sir sang so eloquently about. And Letitia Geer created the medical syringe in 1899 saving countless lives.

And Gibson Kids, boys and girls all learned how to move like Christina Aguilera last week.

Hats off my fabulous women till next week have an awesome week.

“The belief in faith for reasons you can’t explain it is the light you see in the dark” Nefertiti Jones

I recently received an email from a friend of mine. It was the type of email that makes one shiver and although I was running off to work I felt I couldn’t put off responding to her. My friend’s mother has been struggling with a terminal illness that will end her life. Unfortunately, unlike my mother who was not afraid to die, her mother is fearful. I think part of the reason why my mother was ok with checking out early as she so eloquently put, was because her faith was unshakeable. In fact the day she died she had managed to have the priest administer last rights to her three times. The priest later pulled me aside and said:

“Wow I have never seen someone so eager to get to heaven.”

“Yeah, that’s my mother father.” 

My mother’s lack of fear made her passing that much easier on me. However, my friend didn’t grow up with the belief that there was something out there beyond this life. In essence she, her sister and mother did not have faith. So for my friend watching her mother struggle with her own mortality was that much harder.

Now I have never had the level of faith in God, Heaven, Jesus Christ the way my mother did, but what I did have was an innate belief in life. Despite my own childhood which was pretty nuts at times, leaving plenty of room for doubt, for some reason I still managed to see the class half full.

I guess the fact that we had just finished the holiest two weeks in the Christian and Jewish calendar, plus having received my friend’s email, faith and religion were now on my mind. As a child I remember my mother saying to me:

           “Nef, take what you can get from religion and disregard the rest.”

I liked that; it kind of left plenty of room for my so-called sins. Anyway, growing up in Alphabet City in the middle of New York City, clearly meant malls were obsolete. Along with the absence of malls was the absence of chain restaurants, mainly Red Lobster. Oh how I dreamed about those succulent lobster tails dipped in a bowl of hot butter. The limitless amount of shrimps grilled, baked, battered and fried. The crab claws, bowls of pasta, which of course were always served by happy smiley waiters. I used to stampede out of my bedroom; flying over my cat Dorcas to watched the Red Lobster commercials as a kid.

“Mom why can’t we go to Red Lobster, why?”

            “Nef we don’t have malls in New York City.” 

Thank God for small blessings she would mutter under her breath.

“Besides the foods horrible Nef"

            “How would you know,” I yelled.

But she did know she grew up in the Suburbs, a magical place, where the streets were lined with Red Lobsters. However, as the years past and I grew up, I found myself appreciating New York City and its fine seafood restaurants. I was glad that I lived in a city, that we didn’t have malls and mall food, but rather Individual mom and popshops and four-star restaurants. And yet, deep down inside my longing for Red Lobster gnawed at me. I just knew my mother was wrong. When a Red Lobster finally opened up in Time Square my husband and our mutual friends, Alanna and Eric asked if I wanted to go.

            “No, it’s not the same it has to be in the Suburbs near a mall, to be true.” I bitched.

So three more years would pass, and despite everyone telling me that the food sucked, that it was frozen and why would a restaurant snob like me want to go to Red Lobster, I did not falter in my belief. Besides the commercials were relentless and I knew with every fiber of my freaking being, Red Lobster would Rock!

Then it came, April 19th, 2011. We were driving to Jimi’s parent’s house in Pennsylvania for a visit and Jimi told me we were going to Red Lobster. I think the heavens parted in that moment. I talked about it the whole drive down, what I would eat, who we should call, did his parents have a camera to take a photo of me.

“Oh and you can’t order the Surf and Turf platter because I don’t eat meat and I want to be able to try your dinner as well. I said.

 “Yeah, yeah whatever you want Nef.”

We strolled into Red Lobster on a cloudy, raining Tuesday afternoon. Yes afternoon, Jimi’s parents like to eat dinner at 4:00. As we entered the restaurant there to the left of us was a fish tank with real live lobsters. “Ah, ha! I told you Red Lobster has fresh lobster.” I blurted out. Never mind the fact that the poor lobsters were on top of each other and that they were probably there for show, the fact is I saw real live lobsters! Yes, one step closer to fulfilling a life long dream. No sooner then we sat down our waitress Marcie showed up and said:

            “Hi you all, my name is Marcie and I am going to be your waitress.”

 Jimi’s Dad immediately chimed in and said:

“Hi Marcie can you tell your manager Wendy, that the Koviloff family has arrived.”

The Koviloff family, is he kidding? You would think we had just arrived at the Wardolf Astoria. But two minutes later, a cheerful Wendy came over.  After introducing herself to us, Jimi’s Dad said:

“Wendy, we spoke earlier on the phone today. I told you about my son and daughter in-law, the ones from New York City.”

           “Oh yes, yes the musicians, wow so nice of you to come all the way here for dinner.”

By now Jimi was trying to crawl under the table from embarrassment, while I sat there beaming like a kid in a candy store. Wendy left, Marcie returned and we ordered! I got the mega seafood platter with everything included. Shrimp, lobster, crab, salad, baked potato, MY GOD, how my mother was wrong. Huge portions of food, with unlimited biscuits, I have never had unlimited anything and now here at Red Lobster I had biscuit after biscuit. Cheesy, buttery, piping hot lobster biscuit, “God Dam,” I moving to the Suburbs.

We left that magical place fat, content and exhausted!

You see my old friend faith is just a word. It is the action behind the word that carry’s the real weight. I needed to believe in something as silly as Red Lobster because it somehow represented that picket fence I had spent half my life chasing after. Red Lobster turned out to be everything I ever wanted and more. My mother believed with all her heart it was her time to die and despite the fact that the doctors told me and my step dad that my mother would be fine and that they were sending her home the next day, she died several hours later.

Perhaps sometimes we just need to believe in something with all of our heart. So as I said earlier,

“It is the belief in faith for reasons we can’t explain, it is the light we see in the dark.”

Till than my fabulous women make sure you believe in something that fills you with faith, even if it is just the belief in the sand beneath your feet.

XO

Nef

Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting “Holy shit, what a ride!”

Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting “Holy shit, what a ride!”

~ Mavis Leyrer

The fact that I grew up with a father who lived in a tent in the middle of our living room, which he called his pyramid while trying to transport himself back to Egypt, pretty much guaranteed I wasn’t strolling in anywhere unscathed. No, I am definitely going to be one of those people crashing into heaven with a shit load of cuts and bruises, upside down, yelling holy shit I need a drink. 

So with April 7th, the night of my show almost upon me it came as no surprise to me I was becoming anxious. For starters the event was called Hottie Rock, cleverly named by my husband Jimi Bones. Number two for those of you who missed my blog several weeks ago, Hottie Rock consisted of me being sandwiched between Hottie number one who was twenty three and Hottie number two who was twenty-six, which I came to realize that if you added their two ages together and minus a few years you would have me. Yeah, so as April 7th approached I went out to find the perfect outfit. I had my trusty friend Jessica with me for moral support and feed back as we pushed our way through Filene’s basement in search of perfection. Jess was on fire as she pulled dress after dress from the racks. We even scored, so we thought, an orange Jumpsuit, a total throw back to Diana Ross, which by the way looked amazing on the hanger and not so amazing on my thighs. But alas we found an army green silk low back dress. The dress had metal chains for straps and a drop waist, which we paired with a copper chain belt. A pair of feathered earrings, with some strappy heels finished off the outfit and I was Rock Star Ready!

The night of the show our friend Pete came by the house to pick Jimi and I up along with our three guitars, two amps, cable chords, guitar stands, and cheat sheets. “For God Sake will someone tell The Bitter End to get a back-line?” I waited till the last minute to put on my new outfit for fear of wrinkling up the fabric and to add a little drama to my presentation. I sauntered into the living room feeling AWESOME as I presented myself. Silence....Ah yes, Pete and Jimi just stood there looking quizzical. 

“Hmm, wow, so this is what you are wearing tonight?” Jimi said.

“ Yes, isn’t it so Rock and Roll?”

“ So, you picked that out with Jessica?” 

“ Who’s Jessica” Pete asked

“ She’s the principal of the school we volunteer at.”

“ Oh, she went out with the principal to buy a rock and roll outfit.”

“What, what you don’t like it?” I blurted out

      “NOOOOOOO, I love it honey. I mean if we were going to dinner at a fancy restaurant, where they serve expensive food on tiny little plates while listening to Jazz in the background your outfit would be perfect.” 

Ok, seeing that Jimi comes from the school of Punk, toured with Joan Jett, Kix and Blondie I had a feeling he might have a point, clearly I was wearing "adult evening wear". “Shit, what am I suppose to wear now?” Have no fear Jimi Bones is here! Within five seconds flat he had me in a naughty schoolgirl skirt with a striped tight shirt I had worn the night before to the Broadway show, American Idiot, and super high black boots. Oh yea, I got to keep the feather earrings on. I looked hot! Damnit he was right, perhaps I should appear on a TLC episode of  “What not to wear."

We arrived at the club around 8:00 and pushed our way through the crowd making our way to the dressing room. Dressing room, yeah more like a beer storage room with an ice machine, several broken chairs and one mirror that had been completely graffittied over. As I waited for Hottie Rock night to begin I could hear a different act go on, she was young I mean barely legal-young. She had long blonde hair, green eyes and kind of looked like Taylor Swift so I was expecting country pop music. What I got was Baby Taylor Swift cranking out tunes like Strange Fruit by Billy Holiday. Wow, she was awesome. After Strange Fruit she broke out into a speech about why she felt it was important that everyone in the audience write letters, makes phone calls telling our congressman not to cut federal funding to Plan Parent Hood. Go figure?

It was time for Hottie Rock. Our good friend Marvin was the MC of the night he also was our heckler. Of course he saved that special gift for me. First up was our Latin Hottie who wore shorts so short her butt cheeks were hanging out. And by the way the only thing better than her butt cheeks was her Mary Tyler Moore over-sized floppy brown hat. I just kept waiting for her to fling it up in the air and sing, “were going to make it after all”. She didn’t, however, she did give us a balls out show-stopping performance singing two of her originals pop songs, and considering it was her second or third performance ever, she gave it!

Next up Jonesbones, Hottie Rock number two, and you know what, I was Hot and I F______in' Rocked, Hard! And as I stomped around stage singing the lyrics to the Nefertiti Jones song,  

“I jumped up and down on my bed all day and I screamed till the walls almost cracked. I drove my mama insane but it was all in my NAME I was destined and I never looked back.

I knew that I had arrived in the right place at the right time and I was in for the ride of my life. 

Jonesbones even managed to get a standing ovation in the middle of our song Broken Dolls. 

Last up Hottie number three, our Irish bombshell from Queens, actually not sure if she is from Queens but kind of had that Queens vibe wore leather pants and a tiny tank top. Her style was more Broadway than Rock but she had a wit to her lyrics that held the audience non-the less. In fact the four hot male school teachers from Jess’s school sitting in the front row were yelling and cheering the whole way through her remake of Sexual Healing. 

It was a sold out night. So packed that several people found it to crowded to get in. A night consisting of a half black half white woman singing Rock. A Taylor Swift look-a-like singing old blues, a Latin Hottie dressed like a cross between the Kardashians and Mary Tyler Moore singing Pop and an Irish looking girl from Queens singing Broadway, go figure. 

Even cooler than what was on stage was the packed house in front of us. An audience as young as 21, and as old as 70. A mixture of Black, White, Latin, Arab and a Chinese kid with seriously curly hair he swears he developed when he left China and moved to America. We had Mohawks and Tattoos, aging hippies, punk rockers, homeboys and Mary Poppins all crammed into one room on a misty Thursday night in the middle of the  Village, and it suddenly dawned on me, are we in the greatest city ever? Or is it because we are artists, although not everyone in the audience were artists. Is it because we are a young country the melting pot of the world? Or is it because we as women had evolved over the years and are no longer limited to baking cookies on the sideline watching life happen without us. 

Regardless of the reasons, no one that night would ever be the type to politely stroll into Heaven. No this crowd was the type that would be screaming and kicking down doors and I was glad to be a part of it all. 

Till next week my fabulous women make sure to do something worth talking about ten years from now!

XO 

Nef

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you." Katharine Hepburn

I think it is safe to say that GYN is a necessary evil that we all have to face. I am not sure if you are like me, but getting ready for GYN is like getting ready for a date. Between trimmings down there, lathering up and baby powdering you would think I was getting a little action. 

So as I got ready for my date/ GYN appointment I went through my mental list of things to talk to Doctor Weiss about. Number one, “Doctor Weiss, I am not sure if its because I have put on a lot of weight in a short amount of time but the fat between my underarm and breast feels unusually swollen.” Number two, “can we do a fertility test?” And three, “I know you have to weigh me but I have no desire to see the number.”

I finished getting dressed, grabbed some money and a bottle of water and made my way to the bus station. It was pouring rain, of course it was. My hair was tightly tucked under my hat so as not to ruin my silky soft, Farrah Faucet hairdo. I was going straight to a full band rehearsal after GYN and wanted to make sure that I walked in looking like a ROCK STAR! Between my sexy brown honey locks, fabulous make-up and badass high, uncomfortable boots I was set. I hoped on a crowded bus bound for the Upper East Side and managed to arrive to my appointment with twenty minutes to spare.

After taking a seat with my clip board of questions the nurse had handed me to fill out, I found myself trying to sit up as straight as possible for fear of bed bugs. Yes, for my San Francisco friends who might not know this, New York has been bombarded by an epidemic of bed bugs leaving one fearful of sitting on any type of cushiony seats. Of course being a neurotic, hypochondriac probably didn’t help matters, which might explain why it didn’t register that the nurse had called my name three times, as though somehow Nefertiti Jones is such a common name in the Upper East Side it would be easy to ignore.

The doctor’s room was typical. Sterile, white, with a large nickel-plated scale, jars containing rubber gloves and cotton balls, and oh yeah the “Dreaded Stir-Ups”. Damn you, you would think in 2011 they would have come up with a better system, but no, as if the scale wasn’t traumatic enough the “Stir—Ups” awaited me. 

The nurse handed me a gown instructed me to take everything off and to wear the gown with the opening facing forward. I had been through this drill enough in my life where I could have my clothes off and into my robe in two minutes flat. The nurse however, didn’t come back for almost twenty minutes, which she admitted while laughing, that she had forgotten about me and was chatting with the receptionist up front.

I graciously accepted her apology, as I was far more concerned with explaining to her how I had put on a significant amount of weight in the past 14 months and did not want to know how much I weighed. “Well how much did you used to weigh,” She asked. “132lbs,” I told her. After promising not to reveal my weight to me I stepped on the scale, closed my eyes and held my breath, as though somehow holding my breath would make me lighter.

“Wow, you should really start exercising,” she said

Hmmm, the fact that the nurse felt so compelled to tell me that I should start exercising was clearly not a good sign. She then proceeded to tell me that if I took Zumba, which she actually began to demonstrate some of the moves for me, I could burn up to 1000 calories per hour. Fuck now; there is no way I am getting into those stir-ups.

Fortunately, Doctor Weiss arrived and instantly put me at ease with her genuine smile, and relaxed attitude. She congratulated me on my recent birthday, did a thorough breast examine, which she quickly let me know, that she felt absolutely NO abnormal lumps, phew. And told me that it was the perfect time to take a fertility test because I had just gotten over my period.

Assume the position. “Lay back, stick your feet in the stir-ups and scouch your behind all the way down the table, closer, closer, like your almost about to fall off. Now this is going to feel like a little pressure.”

Yeah no shit, as she inserts the “CLAMP”, that’s what I like to call it.

So there I am lying on my back, legs spread like a soaring eagle and she asks:

             “So how’s your day going?”

 “Oh it’s fine I guess, I can’t complain.” 

 “Any plans this weekend?”

 “No nothing special, a movie and dinner with my husband.”

A movie and dinner are you kidding me? I never go to movies, and as far as my husband he has gigs all weekend so no such luck in the dinner department. But I really couldn’t think of anything else to say on the fly. Fortunately she was done before I had to think up a movie I was going to see.

Anyway, I left Doctors Weiss office feeling a little heavier, but relived I didn’t have a lump, feeling a little hopeful about getting pregnant but soar from the clamp.

Perhaps Katherine’s statement, "Life is hard. After all, it kills you." in some respects is true, but despite having to go to GYN, I think Katherine might have been a bit over zealous in her description of life. Bottom line ladies, it’s nice to know that in 2011 we now have the option of seeing a female doctor instead of a man. It is also nice to know that in 2011, women are able to have a career, run for presidency and almost win, have babies or not and look good while doing it all. In 2011, abortions are legal, there are more test to detect early breast cancer, cervical cancer and a whole host of other problems. It is also nice to know in 2011 we have birth control options and unlike our mother’s generation, we can walk into our local Duane Reed and purchase a box of condoms free of ridicule and harassment.

Therefore, Katherine, although life may be hard at times it is certainly worth it!

So like the Virgin Slim ads used to say: “You’ve come a long way baby”

Till next week my fabulous women!

Life happens adjust accordingly

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. -- Oprah Winfrey

Perhaps it is because the weather has been so crappy lately, or because I just spent the last four days street casting in New Jersey in a parking lot under the guise of doing marketing research. Or maybe it is simply because I got a horrible cold while standing in the parking lot chasing after moms, trying to put them on camera, but as I sat on the phone with my friend Jessica I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself.

With my up coming music show on the horizon I was suddenly feeling fat, old and not blonde. Yes, blonde and the reason why I say blonde, is because my husband Jimi several weeks earlier came up with the brilliant idea of a triple rock bill. Three “Hottie Rock Girls” on the same night, me sandwiched between the two acts. Oh great I thought to myself, not only do I have a twenty-three year old 5’8 Hottie opening up for me, to make matters worse, I have a twenty-four-year-old buxom blonde following me. Wow, you could put their two ages together and minus a few years and you would have me…shit! What was my husband thinking? Yes, between my cold, parking lot escapades and my twenty something-year old competition I was suddenly seeing every wrinkle and gray hair on my head.

As I whined to my ever so faithful girlfriend she said in the most endearing voice, “I am sorry Nef that you feel so fat, old and not blonde, Jimi sucks.” I of course whole-heartedly agreed and hung up the phone. As I yelled out to Jimi in the other room I said, “Jessica agrees, I am fat, old, not blonde and you suck for setting up this show.” Just then Jimi walked in the room and replied:

“Hottie number one wants to get together to practice singing into a microphone. She hasn’t done it in a while and is worried about it. Oh and can you make her a flyer? And Hottie number three can’t afford to pay each musician a $100.00 so she is going to do a stripped down acoustic show instead and I am going to play for her for free.”

Really, I thought to myself, and as I looked at my husband who was licking his chops from secretly trying to stuff a piece of chocolate in his mouth I started laughing. For one, I can’t remember the last time I was nervous about performing. In fact I probably haven’t thought about being nervous in over ten years. And as far as thinking about my mic technique, outside of worrying about the germs that were left on the mic from the last person who sang into it, I think of a microphone as an extension of me. As far as the money, a 100.00 per musician is standard in the industry and I can make my own flyer within five minutes flat.

In fact when it comes to performing I have sung with strep throat, on no sleep, with a broken heart and my period. I have sung in shitty clubs with shitty sound systems and even shittier soundmen. I have been on stage with terrible singers and singers that could run circles around me.

I have faked my way through lyrics, melodies and rhythms. Sung in front of 40,000 people and sung in front of nobody. I've had people in the industry tell me that I am ethnically ambiguous, to rock, to pop to fat, to black and I should sing R&B.

I have been told I have hits I have no hits, I should show my titts, and I even had one executive offer to show me how to dance on stage, as if.

Yes, in my twenty something years of performing, I have seen it all.

Suddenly I found myself straightening my shoulders and flipping my Farrah Fawcett hairdo back as a small cryptic smile crept across my face and I said to my husband:

 “Why don’t I go and make Hottie number one a little flyer”.

See ladies we can’t stop time; we can only learn to embrace it. We can’t stop wrinkles; we can only slow them down with creams and sun hats. We can’t stop the grays from coming; we can only cover them up with hair dye. Nor can we stop the knowledge and perspective we gain from getting older, we can only rejoice in it. 

So as I reflect back to my youth remember that in my twenties I often thought to myself: “Oh God, what if I never get married I will just die”

And then in my late twenties I became obsessed with getting a record deal and often thought to myself: “Oh God what if I don’t get signed my life would have meant nothing”

In my thirties while still waiting tables I used to think: “Oh God what if I spend the rest of my life waiting tables, I know I will die.”

Now in my 40s I think to myself: “Oh God what if I can’t get pregnant?"

Oh well, I guess we’ll adopt!

That’s the difference between your 20, 30s verses your 40s.

We learn that life happens we adjust accordingly.

So move over little Hotties, Mama Nef is about to take center stage!

A Drop in the Bucket

“We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily difference we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee”

-Marian Wright Edelman

I can’t remember the last time I sat around a table with five girlfriends. Five fabulous women, ranging from the age of 31 to 45. Between the five of us we had one marriage, two divorces, one kid and a soon to be single friend, as her boyfriend was packing up his stuff so he could move out the next day.

Yes, there was five of us, one who after eight years of working for a horrible boss, left and was on her second month of playing hooky from adulthood, smoking way to many cigarettes and laughing about kicking the bad boy to the side.

Five sexy women, a mixture of freckled faces, blue, brown and hazel eyes, all with long hair and four with big boobs.

Between us all we could create our own United Nations, as we were a mixture of English, Irish, Greek, Mexican, Jewish, Italian, Lithuanian and African American.

We laughed while we stuffed our faces with french fries and fried cheese, as though somehow cheese wasn’t bad enough, “hey, here’s a thought, lets deep fry the stuff.” And despite our horror over the inevitable calorie intake, we still managed to put down several bottles of Sauvignon Blanc and Amstel Lights.

As I cut into a hunk of grilled Octopus, by-passing the beef skewers, I couldn’t help but be in awe at how five women from seemingly different upbringings could have so much in common? I mean, between the five of us we had ten funeral, five Bachelor degrees, three masters, to many heartbreaks to count and enough sex, or not, to birth our own State.

Each woman a warrior in her own right and still a human being with all of its frailties. One unable to eat because her mother was dying of ALS and one who couldn’t stop eating because she buried to many people in the last five years.

One who chose to talk about her new boyfriend instead of her beloved grandmother who had died earlier that week. One excited about accepting a new job offer to head her own division while choking at the prospect of giving up her freedom her hippie parents had drilled in her.

And while one women was putting the finishing touches on her new apartment equipped with a Jacuzzi, and balcony, the other one anxiously was awaiting her $1100 dollar bed, which she some how got for $400.00, plus free delivery, that would arrive the next morning, just in time to replace her ex-boyfriends bed.

Yes, there we were, five women and as we talked about our trials and tribulations of the week, month, year, I realized that sometimes these uneventful gatherings, were just what one’s soul needed.

Here’s to the seemingly small moments making a huge difference. 
  
Call an old friend today, text the Red Cross at 90999 to make a $10 donation to Japan, volunteer at the ASPCA, check in on an elderly neighbor. Actions speak louder than words. 

Til next week my fabulous women!

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Fearless

It is not a matter of being fearless. The fear is sometimes constant, but it's about moving forward regardless of the fear. Courage means feeling the fear and doing it anyway.  Anderson Gillian

      

A few weeks ago my friend Jessica gave me a very belated Christmas present, which I totally teased her about because of her tardiness. Funny, considering I hadn't gotten her anything. She said the reason why she bought me the gift was because while out shopping for her family members this particular item caught her eye and she immediately thought of me. I opened the gift and much to my surprise it was a simple, delicate necklace. Now Jessica loved it because it mixed gold and silver. I loved it because inscribed on the pendant were the words "Fearless". Wow,  fearless. I had never owned a piece of jewelry that said anything outside of 14K Gold or Sterling Silver so I was pretty excited about the gift. 

The following day I met my friend Stephanie for lunch and as we were catching up with each others lives she said "Nef, there's just no stopping you your so fearless." I never thought of myself as someone who was fearless. I mean first of all anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of waterbugs so much to the point, I am pretty sure if I had a baby and one of those dinosaur like creatures were to crawl on the child's crib, I would run out the door screaming leaving my infant to defend his or herself. And number two, I don't think there is enough drugs in the world to stop my hands from shaking and me saying Hail Mary 100 times over whenever I have to board a plane. So no, when I think of myself, fearless does not come to my mind.

But I guess "fearless" comes in all shapes and sizes, like people. And what one views as a fearless action might not necessarily be what someone else views as fearless. I guess jumping into the music industry full speed a head and banging into every wall there is might be considered fearless or just plain stupid. Or landing a casting job with no freaking experience and somehow managing to still be casting seven years later and quite well, might also be considered fearless. 

However, I never looked at my actions that way, just necessary steps if I wanted to get from point A to point B. So when I decided to write my memoir last March, despite the fact I am dyslexic, did not major in English and hadn't read a book in the past six months, I didn't think about how I was going to do it I just jumped in. Fearless, or headstrong maybe a little bit of both. But I am happy to say on March 9th, the day before my birthday my book (Alphabet City, a city within a city) was optioned.

So here's to leaping into life, feat facing towards the sky and seeing what happens.

Now you will never catch me jumping out of a plane tied to some burly instructor while Alanis Morissette plays in the background, yeah that's not my idea of a good time, but hats off to you Jaygrace and to all of you fearless women out there. Til next week, rock on with your bad ass selves!!!!

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”

[George Eliot was the pen name of English novelist Mary Anne Evans (1819-1880)]

I was sitting around feeling blue about my daunting birthday approaching, when I decided to do an on-line search to find celebrity women in their 40s that not only look incredible but were doing incredible things in their lives. The numbers were staggering. I suddenly realized I was in amazing company.

Looking at these women who were redefining our 40s and knowing that they were not banished to playing side roles like the four eyed spinster, the doughty mother, or the corporate angry bitch, gave me great hope. These women were playing leading roles. Sexy, beautiful, powerful women! Women like Halle Berry (44), Sandra Bullock (47), Julia Roberts(44) and oh, did I mention all of these women won an Oscar in their 40s?

I continued my search and found just as many amazing women on tour. Women like Gwen Stefani (42) and Shania Twain (46), who were rocking if from the stage and still finding time to rock their babies to sleep at night.

As a result of my inspired findings I decided to send an email out to my female friends and asked them to list three things that they had accomplished in their 40s.

I knew I would receive responses and there would be great contributions, but what I didn’t expect; number one, was the overwhelming response from friends and number two, I had no idea how many amazing things my friends were accomplishing.

So here goes ladies, here are some of my favorite submissions.

Marketer/NYC: Successful finance professional who is proud to say she ran her first 1/2 marathon, jumped out of plane and became a triathlete all after the age of 40.

Senior Technical Recruiter/SF CA: Working in a leadership role at a company that the Washington Post just called "Top Five company that will lead in 2011".

Photographer/SF CA: "The Winemaker Cooks" - a cookbook I spent a year photographing is being nominated for a cookbook award.

Career Coach/Chicago: Saying no to dating the hotties who treated me like crap.

Mom/ NYC: Ran the 26-mile marathon in 2010.

Teacher/LA: Learning to embrace what the universe gives me as a GIFT!! This wouldn't have been possible if my house didn't burn down and I lost everything allowing me to start again with a new sense of what life truly means by accepting the incident with grace, grief and gratitude.

Personal Trainer/NYC: Took up surfing recently, jumped out of an airplane last June and am currently working on a Yoga teacher certification.

Mom/NYC: I have devoted a great deal of my free time to bringing laughter into my mother's life in her final months.

Hats off to you, my fabulous women in there 40s.

Please submit all stories, questions and pictures to:jonesbonesproductions@yahoo.com

Check back with me next Sunday, Day Light Savings Day.

The complete list of Fabulous things we do in our 40s

Writer/teacher/Hanoi Vietnam:Moving to a different country, learning the language and completely changing what I do as a "Job."

Account Director/SF: I am writing and performing my own solo material while curating a site-specific art performance event at my home, and I just landed my dream job at the age of 45.

Communications Director/CA: Received a Bachelor's degree in 2009 and graduated at the top of my class, Summa Cum Laude.

Finance/NYC: I got out of a job that was destroying my soul, with a generous severance and health care package to boot.

Office Manager/Cazenovia NY: Went back to Nursing School at the age of 45. I currently have a 4.0 average.

Entrepreneur /NY: Bought a house and land, had a baby at 41 and started my own business 11 months later.

Musician/Los Angeles : Toured the UK, bought and renovated a house, and licensed over 25 of my songs to TV and Film.

Artist/NYC: Wrote my memoir under a year, I have a national commercial running and I have two songs earmarked for an upcoming movie.

Radio Announcer/Berkeley CA: I own my own home and my husband and I are trying for a baby.

Musician/NYC: Co-hosted the Dr. Blogstein show interviewing Coolio, Jackie Collins and Rob Barnett from “My Damn Channel”.

Principal/NYC: I designed and opened a kick ass school with kick ass team members and kick ass kids (not to mention kick ass volunteers).

Musician/NYC: Walking a spiritual path, meditating chanting and offering selfless service. Supporting the communities I am part of- teaching, leading a counseling class, and offering my talents as a musician and singer.

Restaurant Owner/NYC: Birth of my son, opened my own Café and read a 600 page book in French.

Student/NYC: Ten credits away from graduating college with, I have two healthy sons and a National Television Commercial Running.

Senior Account Executive/NYC: Became president of my kid's school and an advocate for my son who has a disability.

Teacher/LA: Mending my relationships with my dad who I haven't spoken with in 20 years.

Actress/NYC: Started teaching which is a gift and I'm turning out to be someone I really like.