I think it is safe to say that GYN is a necessary evil that we all have to face. I am not sure if you are like me, but getting ready for GYN is like getting ready for a date. Between trimmings down there, lathering up and baby powdering you would think I was getting a little action.
So as I got ready for my date/ GYN appointment I went through my mental list of things to talk to Doctor Weiss about. Number one, “Doctor Weiss, I am not sure if its because I have put on a lot of weight in a short amount of time but the fat between my underarm and breast feels unusually swollen.” Number two, “can we do a fertility test?” And three, “I know you have to weigh me but I have no desire to see the number.”
I finished getting dressed, grabbed some money and a bottle of water and made my way to the bus station. It was pouring rain, of course it was. My hair was tightly tucked under my hat so as not to ruin my silky soft, Farrah Faucet hairdo. I was going straight to a full band rehearsal after GYN and wanted to make sure that I walked in looking like a ROCK STAR! Between my sexy brown honey locks, fabulous make-up and badass high, uncomfortable boots I was set. I hoped on a crowded bus bound for the Upper East Side and managed to arrive to my appointment with twenty minutes to spare.
After taking a seat with my clip board of questions the nurse had handed me to fill out, I found myself trying to sit up as straight as possible for fear of bed bugs. Yes, for my San Francisco friends who might not know this, New York has been bombarded by an epidemic of bed bugs leaving one fearful of sitting on any type of cushiony seats. Of course being a neurotic, hypochondriac probably didn’t help matters, which might explain why it didn’t register that the nurse had called my name three times, as though somehow Nefertiti Jones is such a common name in the Upper East Side it would be easy to ignore.
The doctor’s room was typical. Sterile, white, with a large nickel-plated scale, jars containing rubber gloves and cotton balls, and oh yeah the “Dreaded Stir-Ups”. Damn you, you would think in 2011 they would have come up with a better system, but no, as if the scale wasn’t traumatic enough the “Stir—Ups” awaited me.
The nurse handed me a gown instructed me to take everything off and to wear the gown with the opening facing forward. I had been through this drill enough in my life where I could have my clothes off and into my robe in two minutes flat. The nurse however, didn’t come back for almost twenty minutes, which she admitted while laughing, that she had forgotten about me and was chatting with the receptionist up front.
I graciously accepted her apology, as I was far more concerned with explaining to her how I had put on a significant amount of weight in the past 14 months and did not want to know how much I weighed. “Well how much did you used to weigh,” She asked. “132lbs,” I told her. After promising not to reveal my weight to me I stepped on the scale, closed my eyes and held my breath, as though somehow holding my breath would make me lighter.
“Wow, you should really start exercising,” she said
Hmmm, the fact that the nurse felt so compelled to tell me that I should start exercising was clearly not a good sign. She then proceeded to tell me that if I took Zumba, which she actually began to demonstrate some of the moves for me, I could burn up to 1000 calories per hour. Fuck now; there is no way I am getting into those stir-ups.
Fortunately, Doctor Weiss arrived and instantly put me at ease with her genuine smile, and relaxed attitude. She congratulated me on my recent birthday, did a thorough breast examine, which she quickly let me know, that she felt absolutely NO abnormal lumps, phew. And told me that it was the perfect time to take a fertility test because I had just gotten over my period.
Assume the position. “Lay back, stick your feet in the stir-ups and scouch your behind all the way down the table, closer, closer, like your almost about to fall off. Now this is going to feel like a little pressure.”
Yeah no shit, as she inserts the “CLAMP”, that’s what I like to call it.
So there I am lying on my back, legs spread like a soaring eagle and she asks:
“So how’s your day going?”
“Oh it’s fine I guess, I can’t complain.”
“Any plans this weekend?”
“No nothing special, a movie and dinner with my husband.”
A movie and dinner are you kidding me? I never go to movies, and as far as my husband he has gigs all weekend so no such luck in the dinner department. But I really couldn’t think of anything else to say on the fly. Fortunately she was done before I had to think up a movie I was going to see.
Anyway, I left Doctors Weiss office feeling a little heavier, but relived I didn’t have a lump, feeling a little hopeful about getting pregnant but soar from the clamp.
Perhaps Katherine’s statement, "Life is hard. After all, it kills you." in some respects is true, but despite having to go to GYN, I think Katherine might have been a bit over zealous in her description of life. Bottom line ladies, it’s nice to know that in 2011 we now have the option of seeing a female doctor instead of a man. It is also nice to know that in 2011, women are able to have a career, run for presidency and almost win, have babies or not and look good while doing it all. In 2011, abortions are legal, there are more test to detect early breast cancer, cervical cancer and a whole host of other problems. It is also nice to know in 2011 we have birth control options and unlike our mother’s generation, we can walk into our local Duane Reed and purchase a box of condoms free of ridicule and harassment.
Therefore, Katherine, although life may be hard at times it is certainly worth it!
So like the Virgin Slim ads used to say: “You’ve come a long way baby”
Till next week my fabulous women!
