Life happens adjust accordingly

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. -- Oprah Winfrey

Perhaps it is because the weather has been so crappy lately, or because I just spent the last four days street casting in New Jersey in a parking lot under the guise of doing marketing research. Or maybe it is simply because I got a horrible cold while standing in the parking lot chasing after moms, trying to put them on camera, but as I sat on the phone with my friend Jessica I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself.

With my up coming music show on the horizon I was suddenly feeling fat, old and not blonde. Yes, blonde and the reason why I say blonde, is because my husband Jimi several weeks earlier came up with the brilliant idea of a triple rock bill. Three “Hottie Rock Girls” on the same night, me sandwiched between the two acts. Oh great I thought to myself, not only do I have a twenty-three year old 5’8 Hottie opening up for me, to make matters worse, I have a twenty-four-year-old buxom blonde following me. Wow, you could put their two ages together and minus a few years and you would have me…shit! What was my husband thinking? Yes, between my cold, parking lot escapades and my twenty something-year old competition I was suddenly seeing every wrinkle and gray hair on my head.

As I whined to my ever so faithful girlfriend she said in the most endearing voice, “I am sorry Nef that you feel so fat, old and not blonde, Jimi sucks.” I of course whole-heartedly agreed and hung up the phone. As I yelled out to Jimi in the other room I said, “Jessica agrees, I am fat, old, not blonde and you suck for setting up this show.” Just then Jimi walked in the room and replied:

“Hottie number one wants to get together to practice singing into a microphone. She hasn’t done it in a while and is worried about it. Oh and can you make her a flyer? And Hottie number three can’t afford to pay each musician a $100.00 so she is going to do a stripped down acoustic show instead and I am going to play for her for free.”

Really, I thought to myself, and as I looked at my husband who was licking his chops from secretly trying to stuff a piece of chocolate in his mouth I started laughing. For one, I can’t remember the last time I was nervous about performing. In fact I probably haven’t thought about being nervous in over ten years. And as far as thinking about my mic technique, outside of worrying about the germs that were left on the mic from the last person who sang into it, I think of a microphone as an extension of me. As far as the money, a 100.00 per musician is standard in the industry and I can make my own flyer within five minutes flat.

In fact when it comes to performing I have sung with strep throat, on no sleep, with a broken heart and my period. I have sung in shitty clubs with shitty sound systems and even shittier soundmen. I have been on stage with terrible singers and singers that could run circles around me.

I have faked my way through lyrics, melodies and rhythms. Sung in front of 40,000 people and sung in front of nobody. I've had people in the industry tell me that I am ethnically ambiguous, to rock, to pop to fat, to black and I should sing R&B.

I have been told I have hits I have no hits, I should show my titts, and I even had one executive offer to show me how to dance on stage, as if.

Yes, in my twenty something years of performing, I have seen it all.

Suddenly I found myself straightening my shoulders and flipping my Farrah Fawcett hairdo back as a small cryptic smile crept across my face and I said to my husband:

 “Why don’t I go and make Hottie number one a little flyer”.

See ladies we can’t stop time; we can only learn to embrace it. We can’t stop wrinkles; we can only slow them down with creams and sun hats. We can’t stop the grays from coming; we can only cover them up with hair dye. Nor can we stop the knowledge and perspective we gain from getting older, we can only rejoice in it. 

So as I reflect back to my youth remember that in my twenties I often thought to myself: “Oh God, what if I never get married I will just die”

And then in my late twenties I became obsessed with getting a record deal and often thought to myself: “Oh God what if I don’t get signed my life would have meant nothing”

In my thirties while still waiting tables I used to think: “Oh God what if I spend the rest of my life waiting tables, I know I will die.”

Now in my 40s I think to myself: “Oh God what if I can’t get pregnant?"

Oh well, I guess we’ll adopt!

That’s the difference between your 20, 30s verses your 40s.

We learn that life happens we adjust accordingly.

So move over little Hotties, Mama Nef is about to take center stage!

A Drop in the Bucket

“We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily difference we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee”

-Marian Wright Edelman

I can’t remember the last time I sat around a table with five girlfriends. Five fabulous women, ranging from the age of 31 to 45. Between the five of us we had one marriage, two divorces, one kid and a soon to be single friend, as her boyfriend was packing up his stuff so he could move out the next day.

Yes, there was five of us, one who after eight years of working for a horrible boss, left and was on her second month of playing hooky from adulthood, smoking way to many cigarettes and laughing about kicking the bad boy to the side.

Five sexy women, a mixture of freckled faces, blue, brown and hazel eyes, all with long hair and four with big boobs.

Between us all we could create our own United Nations, as we were a mixture of English, Irish, Greek, Mexican, Jewish, Italian, Lithuanian and African American.

We laughed while we stuffed our faces with french fries and fried cheese, as though somehow cheese wasn’t bad enough, “hey, here’s a thought, lets deep fry the stuff.” And despite our horror over the inevitable calorie intake, we still managed to put down several bottles of Sauvignon Blanc and Amstel Lights.

As I cut into a hunk of grilled Octopus, by-passing the beef skewers, I couldn’t help but be in awe at how five women from seemingly different upbringings could have so much in common? I mean, between the five of us we had ten funeral, five Bachelor degrees, three masters, to many heartbreaks to count and enough sex, or not, to birth our own State.

Each woman a warrior in her own right and still a human being with all of its frailties. One unable to eat because her mother was dying of ALS and one who couldn’t stop eating because she buried to many people in the last five years.

One who chose to talk about her new boyfriend instead of her beloved grandmother who had died earlier that week. One excited about accepting a new job offer to head her own division while choking at the prospect of giving up her freedom her hippie parents had drilled in her.

And while one women was putting the finishing touches on her new apartment equipped with a Jacuzzi, and balcony, the other one anxiously was awaiting her $1100 dollar bed, which she some how got for $400.00, plus free delivery, that would arrive the next morning, just in time to replace her ex-boyfriends bed.

Yes, there we were, five women and as we talked about our trials and tribulations of the week, month, year, I realized that sometimes these uneventful gatherings, were just what one’s soul needed.

Here’s to the seemingly small moments making a huge difference. 
  
Call an old friend today, text the Red Cross at 90999 to make a $10 donation to Japan, volunteer at the ASPCA, check in on an elderly neighbor. Actions speak louder than words. 

Til next week my fabulous women!

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Fearless

It is not a matter of being fearless. The fear is sometimes constant, but it's about moving forward regardless of the fear. Courage means feeling the fear and doing it anyway.  Anderson Gillian

      

A few weeks ago my friend Jessica gave me a very belated Christmas present, which I totally teased her about because of her tardiness. Funny, considering I hadn't gotten her anything. She said the reason why she bought me the gift was because while out shopping for her family members this particular item caught her eye and she immediately thought of me. I opened the gift and much to my surprise it was a simple, delicate necklace. Now Jessica loved it because it mixed gold and silver. I loved it because inscribed on the pendant were the words "Fearless". Wow,  fearless. I had never owned a piece of jewelry that said anything outside of 14K Gold or Sterling Silver so I was pretty excited about the gift. 

The following day I met my friend Stephanie for lunch and as we were catching up with each others lives she said "Nef, there's just no stopping you your so fearless." I never thought of myself as someone who was fearless. I mean first of all anyone who knows me knows that I am terrified of waterbugs so much to the point, I am pretty sure if I had a baby and one of those dinosaur like creatures were to crawl on the child's crib, I would run out the door screaming leaving my infant to defend his or herself. And number two, I don't think there is enough drugs in the world to stop my hands from shaking and me saying Hail Mary 100 times over whenever I have to board a plane. So no, when I think of myself, fearless does not come to my mind.

But I guess "fearless" comes in all shapes and sizes, like people. And what one views as a fearless action might not necessarily be what someone else views as fearless. I guess jumping into the music industry full speed a head and banging into every wall there is might be considered fearless or just plain stupid. Or landing a casting job with no freaking experience and somehow managing to still be casting seven years later and quite well, might also be considered fearless. 

However, I never looked at my actions that way, just necessary steps if I wanted to get from point A to point B. So when I decided to write my memoir last March, despite the fact I am dyslexic, did not major in English and hadn't read a book in the past six months, I didn't think about how I was going to do it I just jumped in. Fearless, or headstrong maybe a little bit of both. But I am happy to say on March 9th, the day before my birthday my book (Alphabet City, a city within a city) was optioned.

So here's to leaping into life, feat facing towards the sky and seeing what happens.

Now you will never catch me jumping out of a plane tied to some burly instructor while Alanis Morissette plays in the background, yeah that's not my idea of a good time, but hats off to you Jaygrace and to all of you fearless women out there. Til next week, rock on with your bad ass selves!!!!

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”

[George Eliot was the pen name of English novelist Mary Anne Evans (1819-1880)]

I was sitting around feeling blue about my daunting birthday approaching, when I decided to do an on-line search to find celebrity women in their 40s that not only look incredible but were doing incredible things in their lives. The numbers were staggering. I suddenly realized I was in amazing company.

Looking at these women who were redefining our 40s and knowing that they were not banished to playing side roles like the four eyed spinster, the doughty mother, or the corporate angry bitch, gave me great hope. These women were playing leading roles. Sexy, beautiful, powerful women! Women like Halle Berry (44), Sandra Bullock (47), Julia Roberts(44) and oh, did I mention all of these women won an Oscar in their 40s?

I continued my search and found just as many amazing women on tour. Women like Gwen Stefani (42) and Shania Twain (46), who were rocking if from the stage and still finding time to rock their babies to sleep at night.

As a result of my inspired findings I decided to send an email out to my female friends and asked them to list three things that they had accomplished in their 40s.

I knew I would receive responses and there would be great contributions, but what I didn’t expect; number one, was the overwhelming response from friends and number two, I had no idea how many amazing things my friends were accomplishing.

So here goes ladies, here are some of my favorite submissions.

Marketer/NYC: Successful finance professional who is proud to say she ran her first 1/2 marathon, jumped out of plane and became a triathlete all after the age of 40.

Senior Technical Recruiter/SF CA: Working in a leadership role at a company that the Washington Post just called "Top Five company that will lead in 2011".

Photographer/SF CA: "The Winemaker Cooks" - a cookbook I spent a year photographing is being nominated for a cookbook award.

Career Coach/Chicago: Saying no to dating the hotties who treated me like crap.

Mom/ NYC: Ran the 26-mile marathon in 2010.

Teacher/LA: Learning to embrace what the universe gives me as a GIFT!! This wouldn't have been possible if my house didn't burn down and I lost everything allowing me to start again with a new sense of what life truly means by accepting the incident with grace, grief and gratitude.

Personal Trainer/NYC: Took up surfing recently, jumped out of an airplane last June and am currently working on a Yoga teacher certification.

Mom/NYC: I have devoted a great deal of my free time to bringing laughter into my mother's life in her final months.

Hats off to you, my fabulous women in there 40s.

Please submit all stories, questions and pictures to:jonesbonesproductions@yahoo.com

Check back with me next Sunday, Day Light Savings Day.

The complete list of Fabulous things we do in our 40s

Writer/teacher/Hanoi Vietnam:Moving to a different country, learning the language and completely changing what I do as a "Job."

Account Director/SF: I am writing and performing my own solo material while curating a site-specific art performance event at my home, and I just landed my dream job at the age of 45.

Communications Director/CA: Received a Bachelor's degree in 2009 and graduated at the top of my class, Summa Cum Laude.

Finance/NYC: I got out of a job that was destroying my soul, with a generous severance and health care package to boot.

Office Manager/Cazenovia NY: Went back to Nursing School at the age of 45. I currently have a 4.0 average.

Entrepreneur /NY: Bought a house and land, had a baby at 41 and started my own business 11 months later.

Musician/Los Angeles : Toured the UK, bought and renovated a house, and licensed over 25 of my songs to TV and Film.

Artist/NYC: Wrote my memoir under a year, I have a national commercial running and I have two songs earmarked for an upcoming movie.

Radio Announcer/Berkeley CA: I own my own home and my husband and I are trying for a baby.

Musician/NYC: Co-hosted the Dr. Blogstein show interviewing Coolio, Jackie Collins and Rob Barnett from “My Damn Channel”.

Principal/NYC: I designed and opened a kick ass school with kick ass team members and kick ass kids (not to mention kick ass volunteers).

Musician/NYC: Walking a spiritual path, meditating chanting and offering selfless service. Supporting the communities I am part of- teaching, leading a counseling class, and offering my talents as a musician and singer.

Restaurant Owner/NYC: Birth of my son, opened my own Café and read a 600 page book in French.

Student/NYC: Ten credits away from graduating college with, I have two healthy sons and a National Television Commercial Running.

Senior Account Executive/NYC: Became president of my kid's school and an advocate for my son who has a disability.

Teacher/LA: Mending my relationships with my dad who I haven't spoken with in 20 years.

Actress/NYC: Started teaching which is a gift and I'm turning out to be someone I really like.